Help! My Kid Left the Church! (or the Journey of Deconstruction and Reconstruction)

It is the cry of desperate parents that I hear most often.  And with all of the scary things our kids can get involved in, it is indeed a valid concern when our kids seemingly seem to "lose their faith".  Yet, often, it isn't quite as bad as our minds and imaginations may at first tell us.  With some understanding and adjustments on our part, I believe that there is hope for this generation of emerging adults on their faithing journey.   Let's start with where they are developmentally.

One of the most common parts of one’s faithing journey, typically occurring sometime in the late teens and throughout the decade of one’s twenties, is the process of deconstructing everything one has been taught about God, about life and about faith.  They are carefully and thoughtfully sifting through those pieces that have been useful to them, as well as those damaging to them.  Deconstruction often occurs at the intersection of the late teens and early twenties as many come to a realization, perhaps for the first time, that they have personal agency that allows them to choose who they are going to be or not going to be. And it often happens, at least in my observation, anecdotally, at a point of crisis in faith.  Suddenly something doesn’t work the way their Sabbath School or Sunday School teachers told them it would.  A friend gets murdered or commits suicide.  A major breakup from one they were engaged to.  The death of a parent when they prayed hard.  Or perhaps they have “tried God” and found Him to be “too rigid” for their emerging beliefs.  Whatever it is, they suddenly announce that they are done with God.

Many, in seeking freedom from an oppressive, legalistic system they may have grown up in, often throw the Baby out with the bathwater, as they deconstruct any God out of their journey and insert reason in His place.  This is not new, yet when it is your loved one, it does cause days of hand-wringing, blame-casting, disagreements which escalate to angry arguments and riven relationships.

And these are understandable when a parent has already set their course towards God, and want more than anything else for their children to do the same.  Especially since, out of their own faithing journey of deconstruction and reconstruction, they may have experienced some hard bumps and major pain from mistakes they made along the way, and they are only wanting to naturally save the child from the pain and hopelessness they may have endured.  But reasoning, cajoling, arguing, demanding or breaking down in tears after fits of rage seldom do anything to bring that child back around.  Often, it ends up pushing them further out the other way.  They might roll their eyes and exclaim in exasperation—“you just don’t understand” as they walk out the door and slam it…again…on the way out.  Or, if they can’t escape the household, or they are of passive temperament,  they may just lapse into a non-communicative stare and avoid any confrontation by withdrawing.

If you find yourself there, don’t beat yourself up too much.  You didn’t beat yourself up when they got their growth spurt in their teens, did you?  As you watched their physical bodies mature into adult bodies, you weren’t wringing your hands in anguish, because you recognized it as a normal part of growing up. 

Did you know that as much as their bodies changed between ages 6-18, their brains actually change that much and more between the ages of 14 and 25.  The difference is, you can’t actually see it happening.  You “hear” it happening.  

Thoughts they might have as they are sifting through broken pieces.  Things that they may need to unlearn that are harmful to their image of God.  Trying to make sense of a world that is non-sensical…all of these provide fodder for thoughts you may take as foreign and damaging.  

And in your haste to correct their thoughts, rather than listening carefully to understand where they are, and perhaps asking thoughtful questions to help them process, many will make hasty blanket statements like, “Well as long as you are under my roof”…”or as long as I’m paying your bills”…or well, you get the idea.  And the whole thing escalates until neither is talking to each other, and mutual love and respect is diminished.

Well, thanks for all of this positivity Pastor, this isn’t helping a lot.  Keep reading.

Let me remind you that after Deconstruction comes Reconstruction.  That is, they are processing the question: what  pieces am I going to hold onto as I build my life for the future?  What are the things I want in my life?  Here is where both the difficulty and the challenge lie for you.  

But you can avoid the panic with the realization that God loves your child/children way more than you ever possibly could and His Spirit is continually pursuing them to effect their salvation eternally.  If you truly believe that, you can take some pressure off of yourself.  While God entrusted them to your care, He never put their salvation in your hands…just the desire for their salvation.  

And while that desire is pure and right, there are things you may be doing that might be pushing them farther away from it.  Fear is the tool the devil uses most to activate those actions, and then he jumps in the middle of the fear, stirs it up “real good”, and then creates and angry firestorm from it that leaves you both hurting and estranged.  

So start by asking the question of yourself—am I consistently painting a picture of God with my life that my child could be drawn to?  That’s hard.  Because no one is attracted to an arguing, dictatorial Jesus.  No one is drawn to a God who is kind one second and flies off the handle the next.  So start there.  

And if you discover that you have been less than ideal in this area, simply apologize.  Say directly, “I’m sorry.”  No justifications, no explanations.  Just “I’m sorry”…and then follow it with with what you are sorry for.  “I’m sorry for not presenting a more compelling picture of Jesus.  I will seek to do better.”  “I’m sorry for not listening to understand…I’ve been listening judgmentally, and to correct and I have come to the realization that you have your own valid thoughts as you are seeking to figure life out for you.  I hope you can forgive me and we can turn the corner in this relationship.  I may not agree with all of your thoughts, but I don’t need to argue with you.  I want you to know that my relationship with you is what I value even if we disagree.”

Secondly, recognize that the search for God always comes down to the individual.  It has always been a personal relationship that God desires.  Just a few verses after that verse that we love to quote in Jeremiah 29:11, where God is talking about the plans He has to give us a hope and a future, we come to this one in Jer. 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  

This means you can’t seek that relationship on behalf of other people.   Only for yourself.  But you can intercede on their behalf and pray that the Lord will bring them to the point of seeking.  You can continue to present a compelling picture of Jesus for them in your own life. 

Yet too many of us want to cut short the search process for our kids by simply telling them what and how to believe. In doing so, however, we must realize that is not their faith…it is still ours that we are wanting to push on them.  And God cannot have the relationship with them that He desires if we keep trying to interject our relationship with Him onto them.  He has given each of us free moral agency and that includes the power to choose Him or not.

 

Thirdly, appreciate who your young adult is.  Compliment them on whatever it is they do well and right.  Your words of blessing still carry much weight in their hearts.  They WANT you to be proud of them in at least some way.  This is what makes deconstruction so painful for them, because they know they might be discarding some things that are dear to you, but may have been hurtful to them.   

Recognize that for them, when the pain of holding on finally outweighs their desire to please you and have your blessing, they begin to discard.  And the more you rant and argue, the more they are convinced they needed to get rid of it.  It doesn’t win them back, but rather, like a magnet turned backwards, it begins to repel them, and it is then that they begin to question that statement you may have made to them as a child that “there is nothing you can ever do to make me stop loving you.”   

Learn instead to look for things they do well and appreciate them for that.  Praise them in front of others.  Especially pick things in their character that you can be proud of.  Things like a deeply caring nature.  Compassion.  Seeking justice for those who are underserved.  Action on an issue in the face of apathy by others.  A good work ethic.  Being a caring parent to their own child.  Anything you can find to praise them will help draw them back towards you and the God you love.  

Remember, Jesus said that love would be the determining mark of His disciples.  Make sure you are truly loving them in a way they can feel it.

One of the best books I’ve read recently that really helps put this generation of young adults into perspective is: Young Adult Ministry Now by Dr. Steven Argue.(available only at AdventSource.org)  In the opening chapters, he helps paint a picture from his and other current research of this faithing (his term) journey young adults are on. And while it is written primarily from a ministry perspective of a church young adult leader, a parent could learn much about how to understand and interact with their child if applying the principles set forth in this book.

And for both parents and churches, let me leave you with a quote from Young Adult Ministry Now (pg 30). “It’s also important to consider that in any relationship, it takes two to tango.  Often there has been an overemphasis on young adults leaving the church without church leaders reflecting on their own behaviors.  If churches fail to reflect on their own assumptions, attitudes or actions, they may be creating barriers for young adults to connect with them.”  

If true of churches, how much more true of our family bonds.

Reconstruction is the journey we are on for the remainder of our lives.  You and I continue to add to our faith journey the things we find helpful.  We continue to put pieces together that aid us in our spiritual walk, while seeking to unlearn those things that have harmed us along the way.  Hopefully, with these thoughts, much prayer and love, your relationship with your young adult can help them on their faithing journey towards a more constructive, wholistic view of a God who loves them with an everlasting love and who will do anything to win them eternally.